


Inside

by FrankieOlive



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-11 05:08:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8954851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrankieOlive/pseuds/FrankieOlive





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Bucky B](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Bucky+B).



“My grandma made money,’ Miss Sneezy says, ‘by saying ‘I Love you.’ As many ways as possible. For people who could not.” (Chuck Palahniuk, Haunted)

 

“I really bitched things up for myself,’ he said evenly.” (Stephen King, The Shining)

 

“There’s so much I want to say to you  
‘It can wait’  
‘Okay’  
‘Let’s just sit here for now.” (David Mazzucchelli, Asterios Polyp)

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

What's the difference between torture and therapy? Torture stops when you give the right answer ---

 

 

"Hello James, how has your week been?"

 

No.

"I see you got a haircut"

It's amazing how observant someone gets when you pay them.

"It looks very nice."

Do I look like a person yet?

"James this is your time, if you don't feel comfortable talking yet I'm happy to sit here with you until you do."

Well then I hope you’re mighty comfortable. 

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"Hello"

If I scream loud enough in my head will you let me leave?

 

"How are you?”

 

My shoelace is untied and I have to pee

"Do you ever feel lonely, James?" 

Have you ever exhaled, James? Have you ever experienced hunger? Taken a dump? 

 

"It's a difficult emotion"

The desert is dry, the universe is large

"Would you like to talk about it?"

 

Kick me in the groin, help me drown in my own vomit

"How are you feeling?"

Have you ever stuck your hand out of the window of a moving car? You feel the wind and the day until you realize if a truck goes by they could take your hand with it so you pull your hand back because your safety is more important to you than your freedom in that moment? I spent decades with people holding my hand out the window. How the fuck do you think I feel.

"I would love if this could be a dialogue"

My foot itches and I would like to scratch it and then kick you in the teeth

"I'm sure this must all be hard for you" 

 

Never. Felt. Better.

"Tell me about your friend Steve"

You haven't earned the right to say his name

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"Hi, James, How are you feeling?"

 

Gosh darn dandy.

 

"I see you're tapping your foot, are you anxious?"

 

No i’m actually perfectly at home in my skin and in the world. I'm pretty sure you cured me, I should probably go home and begin my life- do you know of any offices that are hiring? My résumé is short but man it's impressive

 

"Would you like to play a game?"

 

I hear Russian roulette is popular and kid friendly 

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"Hello James"

My arm hurts. I don't understand how but it's sore. It's like my body just processed what it’s lost. 

"I thought we would try something new today. I brought in some legos and I was hoping maybe we could build together"

I've started to feel bad for you. I think that's just what happens when you look at someone for this long. 

"I'll pour some pieces out by me and some by you?"

I can feel how badly you want this to go better. When I first came back people bought me all kinds of shit to help me work through stuff. Steve read every book he could find on PTSD. I have a closet full of bins at home with every suggestion the library had to offer him. 

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"Hello James"

It's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault. I would talk to you if you looked more like Robin Williams.

"James, please let me help you"

Most people show exactly who they are right before they die. Some people would close their eyes and play 'if I can't see you, you can't kill me.' Other people would stare at me until their last sad exhale, they wanted me to know exactly what I was doing. And then some people couldn't make up their minds. They would go back and forth between looking at me and then closing their eyes like maybe indecision could save them. 

"How are you feeling?" 

You need to choose. You can be patient or you can ask me to talk but you can't do both.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"Hey James" 

Oh shit we’re getting informal over here

"I noticed you clenched your jaw last time I said Steve's name” 

So do you work with Sherlock AND Watson orrrrrr??

"Would you like to talk about what his name brings up for you?"

Thin blankets. Boney hands. The bigger half of a piece of bread he cut. 

"James I’m going to put a bunch of different dolls and stuffed animals on the table. If you feel comfortable I would like you to look through and pick the one that feels the most to you like Steve." 

I wish Steve could see this right now. I'm looking at a bucket of small plastic figurines and furry animals and I'm supposed to find the one that looks like that big hunk of muscle with my friends face on it. I wonder if he ever misses being small, he was definitely more portable back then- now three people have to move out of the way just to make room for him at the bar. There was so much life in that small man. His sickness tried to strangle it out of him and bullies tried to beat it out of him but he ended up living harder than anyone. He never really needed me. Yeah I helped him out of scrapes and stuff but I honestly think he would have been fine without me. Or maybe I would just rather think that. The kid was all small bones and clenched fists. He looked kind of like that doll in the bucket- Familiar. pale and small with a smile that won't quit for anything. Sometimes he smiled just before taking the first punch. The guy he was fighting didn't care that he was small or sick- I think part of Steve liked getting his ass handed to him like everybody else. Bloody like everyone else. Bones and fists, just like he saw himself. That doll is kind of nice actually, with her fresh faced wonder and those large eyes she could have been his sister. Although she's missing that big sloppy nose of his. In the winter when it was all boogers and the summer when it was all sweat. A nose as big as his dreams and his goofy heart. 

 

"James... Thank you- thank you for choosing a doll"

 

Fuck. I engaged. 

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"Hello James, I took the bucket back out in case you want to resume with the doll from our last session, or pick another" 

He doesn't even look like that doll anymore. That doll was before he got his magic potion. When three people have to make room for you at the bar, they all take notice of you. His shield is a literal fucking target and he doesn't understand why I'm angry.

"James, you look upset. Would you like me to put the doll away?"

See you later Stevie's sister. Okay what do we have left, where are you Steve? Are you that stuffed jaguar? That ken doll after you inevitably get your junk blown off? I see superman's head in the corner- is that you? Another all American? Give it a few years- soon you and Christopher Reeve will have plenty to talk about. He died the day after he "felt well enough" to attend his son’s hockey game. You two are a couple of flies who won't stop being shocked by the light until someone turns it off. I wonder if anyone ever had a crush on Jesus. If there was a girl down the street who loved him fierce and silent and had to hear every day how he died for her sins. She was told to thank him for a favor she never asked for. She was told to pray gracious to a man she only wanted to live long enough to love. You won't stop running towards the fire and eventually you're going to get burned. The worst part is I know you're only going to be upset when you tilt your head and realize I'm on fire right the fuck next to you.

"Is there a different doll you identify with Steve this week?"

He's not a doll. He's the bucket.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“Hi James”

How long until you bring up the bucket of dolls?

“How was your week?”

5...4...3…

“I have the bucket in the closet if you are interested”

And bingo was his namo

“James I know working with the dolls has been emotional for you. It's not easy to come here every week and try. I'm very proud of you.”

Fuck. She's proud of me. I didn't even kill anyone and she's proud of me, just for sitting here every week and avoiding eye contact. They were always so proud after I got a kill. They didn't smile or anything but I could feel it. I could always feel it when I did good. It was almost warm for a second- or actually not warm it was never warm but just a little bit less cold. 

 

“You're shivering, would you like a blanket?” 

 

THE ASSET DOES NOT GET COLD THE ASSET DOES NOT FEEL THE ASSET THE ASSET DOES NOT GET COLD THE ASSET DOES NOT FEEL THE ASSET DOES NOT GET COLD THE ASSET DOES NOT FEEL THE ASSET DOES NOT- 

 

“James? James? You blacked out for a minute, can you hear me? You don't have to speak, if you can hear me could you please glance at the door? Great! Okay good. I'm going to grab you that blanket and a glass of water, I'll be right back.”

 

Buck- James Buchanan Barnes- Bucky. Bucky shi- Bucky shivers. 

 

“James if you would like me to put this blanket around you please look at the door. Okay, I'll just put it next to you and you can use it if you would like. The glass of water on the table is for you if you need it.” 

 

THE ASSET NEEDS TO KILL THE ASSET NEEDS TO KILL THE ASSET NEEDS TO KILL THE ASSET NEEDS TO KILL THE ASSET NEEDS TO KILL THE ASSET NEEDS TO- 

 

“James you blacked out again, I called your emergency contact. He’s here.”

 

Hey pal. I'm here and you're safe and I love you. Your name is James Buchanan Barnes and my name is Steve Rogers. We grew up together. I'm going to whisper our code word in your ear and you can ask me whatever questions you would like to verify my identity. 

 

This Steve replica is almost convincing. 

 

Would you like to write down your questions or sign them? 

 

*Signs* What’s my favorite color? What is yours? Where are we? Why? What do you want? Why won't you all let me go? 

 

Your favorite color used to be yellow, now it changes based on the day. When you have a good day it's blue and when you have a bad day it's orange which you call “yellows bitchy cousin.” You told me my favorite color is red and I believe you so I guess it's red. We are in your room at home. We are here because you live here. I want to help and support you. I will most certainly let you go, you can come and go as you please. 

 

*Signs* Where’s the therapist?

 

I have asked you if you would like to go to therapy but you always tell me no and that you want to work through things in your own way. I usually leave you alone when you're in your room but I heard you screaming and I wanted to make sure you were okay.

 

*Signs* What day is it? 

 

It's Christmas, buddy. 

 

*Signs* Please don’t do this. I am so tired. Tell me who you really are and I promise I will do what you want. 

 

I am Steve Rogers and I will do whatever you ask to prove that fact. 

 

*Signs* Tell me a story 

 

Uh okay sure. There was once a frog and he was very happy to hop around and eat flies and hang out with his frog friend. But then he was taken by some stupid people who told him he wasn't a frog and they kept saying it for so long that eventually he believed it. The stupid people were mean and made him do stuff which wasn’t his fault at all. Then eventually he escaped and came home and found his frog friend and they tried to work through what he had been through. When he was gone his frog friend missed him alot and he was really happy when he came home and he would always be his friend no matter what happened.

 

*Signs* Steve? 

 

Yeah, buddy?

 

*Signs* Only you could tell a story that terrible. 

 

Hahahahahaha, do you want your present or not asshole? 

 

*Signs* I guess 

 

Okay uh I didn't wrap it or anything but yeah here you go I figured you know because you're such a talented writer and stuff you should have pens as good as your words and uh the paper is yellow because I think you still love that color maybe. And I don't really know why I'm giving you that doll, something about it just reminded me of you? It's just so strong and brave but also it looks like it would be a fun doll to hang out with. Okay that sounds sort of weird, I'm not great with the words like you but merry Christmas. 

 

*Signs* Could you take that mirror out of here? I'm sick of it looking at me?

 

Sure, yeah. Sure. 

 

*Signs* Stevie?

 

Yup

 

*Signs* Thanks


End file.
